Humor

Q/A's

Q. How do you drive an accountant absolutely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, and fold a road map up wrong in front of him.

Q. Why did the Accountant cross the road?
A. To bore the people on the other side!

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

Q. Why do audit firms only have 10 minute coffee breaks?
A. If the breaks were longer, they'd have to retrain all the staff.

Q. Why do Accountant's make good lovers?
A. They're great with their figures.

Q. What is the difference between a CPA and a shopping cart?
A. A CPA holds more beverage.

Q. What do you call an Accountant who marries an Actuary?
A. A Social Climber.

Q. What does an accountant use for birth control?
A. His personality.

Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and an honest accountant are locked in an office with a bag full of cash: $1,000,000 in small bills.
Q. What happens?
A. Nothing, they are all fictional characters.

Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depletion.

Q. What does an actuary do to liven up a party?
A. He invites an accountant.

Q. What does CPA stand for?
A. Can't Pass Again.

Q. How do you know if an accountant is an extrovert or introvert?
A. An extrovert looks at your shoes when talking to you, an introvert looks at their shoes when talking to you.

Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail.

Q. How can you tell when an accountant owns a used car lot?
A. She keeps turning back the gas gauge.

Q. How can you tell the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
A. The actuary is the one with a personality.

Q. How does an accountant deal with constipation?
A. He works it out with a pencil.

Statements of Consideration

Accountants aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.

Accountants do it without losing their balance.

Accountants are Certified to do it in Public.

An auditor is the guy who comes in after the battle to bayonet the wounded.

There are 3 kinds of CPA's in the world - Those who can count, and those who can't.

The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple:
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

If Patrick Henry hated taxation without representation, he should be here today to see how lousy it is WITH representation.

Accountants never grow old they just lose their balance

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant...even if he wanted to be one?

You might be an Accountant if...

Your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
You refer to your child as Deduction 214.
You deduct Exlax as "Moving Expenses."
At the movie "Indecent Proposal" you did a NPV calculation.
You decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "=================".
If you have no idea that "GAP" is also a clothing store.

The following are reflections on tax preparation:

	Have you ever wondered why people are quick to brag about their income, but refuse to list it all on their income tax?
	Have you ever wondered why people refuse to drop a dime in the Salvation Army Drum, but are quick to list significant miscellaneous cash donations for their itemized deductions?
	Have you ever wondered why someone refuses to share their age until they get an extra deduction on their tax return?
	Have you ever wondered why someone would refuse to discuss their weight - until they think that the cost of dieting can be considered a medical deduction?
	Have you ever wondered why child support is such a contentious issue when everyone wants to claim everyone that they ever knew as a dependent?
	Have you ever wondered why you can't complete a form within the IRS suggested time frame?

A Few Humorous Stories

Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.

They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.

When they board the train, the three accountant scram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.' The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

An accountant appears at Saint Peter's gate. Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.

The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, "Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?"

"Well," says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"

The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago."

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned Mr. Carr, "I thought you were going to want cash!"

A young graduate begins working in the office of a fusty manufacturing concern. After a few weeks he has an accounting problem he can't solve. He goes to the Chief Accountant and shows him the problem and asks for help. Later in the day through the open door, he watches as the Chief Accountant reads the report, opens his bottom desk drawer and stares down at something in the drawer and then writes the instructions.

Years later, the young graduate becomes the Office Manager. Again he has a problem, writes it up, and takes it to the Chief Accountant. Again he watches through the open door as the Chief Accountant studies the problem. The drawer is opened, the long stare, then the writing of instructions.

The Office Manager puzzled over this for many nights. Years pass. The Chief Accountant is about to retire. The Office Manager comes into say good-bye but his curiosity gets the better of him. "All these years I've seen you stare into that bottom drawer. What's in there?"

The Chief Accountant says, "Since you will be my successor, I can show you what was left for me by my predecessor when I came here 20 years ago."

He opens the drawer. A note is pasted to the bottom of the drawer. It reads:

THE DEBITS ARE ON THE SIDE CLOSEST TO THE WINDOW!

Following a shipwreck, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant are adrift on a raft. In the distance, they see an island.

The engineer, using his technical skills and knowledge of physics, ties himself to the raft using a rope. He dives into the water and swims towards the island pulling the raft behind him. Sharks attack. The lawyer and the accountant barely manage to save him.

Next, the lawyer dives in planning to use his golden tongue as well as speedy footwork to get the castaways to the island. At once, the sharks attack and the accountant saves him.

Finally, the accountant dives into the water not even bothering with the rope. The sharks sweep in, but instead of attacking the accountant, they push the raft to the island. The engineer and lawyer are amazed. "How did you do that?" they ask. "Professional etiquette, "he replies.

A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair. A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. Landing in a farmer's field, the man is left with no clue how far he has flown or where he has landed.

Seeing a man walking down a nearby street, he cries out, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"

Eyeing the man in the balloon the passer-by says:, "You are in a downed balloon in a farmer's field."

"You must be an accountant, sir," replied the balloon's unhappy resident.

"How could you possible know that?" asked the passer-by.

"Because what you have told me is absolutely correct, but of absolutely no use to me now," answered the balloonist.

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position and had a variety of individuals applying for the position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question how much is 2+2? The first candidate was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed that the answer was 4. The second candidate was an attorney. He stated that in the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was proven to be 4. The final candidate was a CPA. When asked what 2+2 equaled, the CPA did not respond immediately. He looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair and went to see if anyone was listening at the door. Then he returned to the business owner and said, "What would you like it to be?"